How to Spot Narcissists and Get Rid of Them: From Personal Experience
Chances are you’ve encountered a narcissist or two in your life already. They can be hard to spot initially, but once you learn to recognize them, you’ll never make the same mistake of getting involved with one again.
According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV), Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a mental illness that has a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements).
2. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
3. Believes that they are “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).
4. Requires excessive admiration.
5. Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with their expectations.
6. Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve their own ends.
7. Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
8. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of them.
9. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.
Sounds like someone you know yet? Read on.
Narcissists are everywhere, and it’s easy to fall into the trap of dating one. They often use their looks, money (that they probably don’t have), or power (that they pretend they have) to manipulate other people — they are very emotionally abusive. The trouble with narcissists is they’re so charming at first that you don’t realize what kind of person they really are until it’s too late.
I know because I’ve had a romantic relationship with a narcissist. Yes, he got a perfect score on the DSM-IV’s criteria for NPD. And no, it’s no joke — my anxiety went through the roof, and I couldn’t even recognize myself after that.
He talked me into believing that he was the one and I was lucky enough to have him. He’d say that I’m the only girl who made him feel alive because no one ever understood and loved him the way I do. The guy has a knack for manipulating and controlling others without any sign of remorse. And every time I told him to leave, he’d always found his way back and promised to change his ways — which, of course, he never actually did.
It took too many breakup attempts before I eventually had enough and finally chose my sanity over saving someone who couldn’t be saved.
For the whole duration of our short-lived relationship, it’s like he either lied or exaggerated just about anything I could think of. I’ve known for quite a while that something about him didn’t add up, but instead of walking away, I became more and more interested that I decided to stay and know the truth about him — which I did. It was an easy welcome to his world that one would think this guy is the real deal. Like, he couldn’t be that open and vulnerable if he was lying, even just a bit, about anything. Thank goodness, I have trust issues bigger than Godzilla, so I almost always second guess everything and everyone.
The guy is a serial liar.
His lying protects his fraudulent truth. He would lie about the littlest of things to either be in control of any situation, get his way, make him look like a god, or make me look at fault — with zero remorse.
It was always about him — it had to be.
He’s the star of the show, and his reputation is everything to him. In fact, as a result of my breaking up with him, he was quick to bad-mouth me to save face — which I expected as he had always poorly talked about his exes. He even started dating someone almost immediately after the breakup — probably trying to mend his shattered ego.
I kid you not; he did a full 180 crazy number on me.
He consistently made me doubt myself, my decisions, my abilities, my character, and at the same time, made me feel special in a way that works every frigging time. I mean, how emotionally messed up can one person be?
There is never an easy way to end any relationship, let alone with a narcissist who will surely try that much harder to keep you in his life as soon as you walk away. The love bombing will feel overwhelmingly nice, but soon enough, you will see it for what it really is — an attempt for you to develop all sorts of dependence on them. And to be honest, it gets even more complicated when they realize you’re definitely done because they will lash out — they’ll make it their mission to harm you, scare you, smear your reputation or just intimidate you in any way possible to get even.
What I found to be the most effective way that shut him down when he wouldn’t stop harassing me was when I ignored him entirely like he never existed — blocked on all social media platforms, and all phone numbers. I stopped engaging when I realized that he was intentionally pushing my buttons to keep the argument going and make myself even more exposed to his mind games. I even asked the people close to me to do the same so that he wouldn’t have any way to communicate his messages.
If you’re in a relationship with someone who has NPD, I’m pretty sure you’ve already gone through a lot. And I’m here to tell you to GTFO, AFAYC, ASAP.
Go to the nearest exit and disappear because they can never be saved, they won’t ever change, they will never be in tune with you, and most importantly, you deserve better.
My heart goes out to those of you who still live a life (or at least trying to) with narcissists. Know that you are not alone, that you will also get past this and eventually find your peace — just like most of us who were in the same boat did. Right now, please be extra kind to yourself and know that you aren’t a bad person for wanting to shut them down and realizing that you don’t want these people in your life. After all, life is hard enough without these narcissists making it even more difficult than it already is.
Cheers,
